Come Clean
How did I get here standing in a mess that I have made?
Little by little adding to the chaos everyday
I know it's time, it's time to come clean
I know it's time, it's time to come clean
Boxes full of things I've shuffled and shifted place to place
All the years of me, everything I want to keep and throw away
I know it's time, it's time to come clean
I know it's time, it's time to come clean
I empty out the pieces
And I put them where they go
But where do they go?
Where do they go?
Does anything in me know?
Where do they go?
I'm finding what I've covered and holding it up to the morning light
I'm opening my life a little at a time and it's all right
'Cause it takes time, it takes time to come clean
Yeah, and I know it's time, it's time to come clean
I'm picking up the pieces
And I put them where they go
But where do they go?
Where do they go?
Does anything in me know?
Where do they go?
Because I need to know
Just where do they go? Where do they go?
I've got to know just where do they go?
Where do they go? Will I ever know?
Where to begin with this?
Well, a number of weeks ago I had written up some notes and mullings-over on faith and the like. Much to my dismay, when I went to post them an “error” screen showed up and thus the notes were lost. Face turned hot, blood pressure rose, and I stare motionless at the object of my newfound frustration. “Those notes took me two hours to write! Arg!” This was followed by me baking cookies and walking a few miles…my domesticated way of doing things (though everything inside of me longed to bust out some Tae-Kwon-Do moves on my laptop, and some pillows, and goodness, anything in my way!).
I am certain God created ironies, for this was one of them. After writing out all of these notes about getting rid of useless garbage, stop following my feelings or other peoples’ opinions and walking by faith, the Lord allows the notes to be taken away, and I…pray? Nope. Thank God for showing me they didn’t need to be posted at the time? Nay. Be still and trust Him? No.
Quite frankly, I was ticked.
This has been happening much more than usual for me lately…getting upset at little things, taking note of wrong-doings, and the like. Why?! Because I’m responding out of bitterness.
Every day, something new comes up. Just when I think I’ve surrendered something to my Father, He shows me that not quite all of it is done. This is going to be a slow and painful process. This bitterness comes from a deep-seeded disappointment, as I’d let myself trust and hope in something that was so very far out of my control. I know that I was hoping in the wrong person because when I hope in Christ, I will never be disappointed. So who is the object of my embitterment, really?
A dear friend of mine had asked me at least a month or so ago, “Are you angry at God at all for all of this?” to which I promptly replied, “No, of course not! That is…no, not at all.”
I lied.
The very God Who led me into this suffering is also the only One Who can sympathize with my isolation and estrangement. Talking to a friend the other day who is normally such an encouragement in Christ, I just felt even more alone and that no one could possibly understand what I am going through. Truth is, no one on this earth is going to be able to understand what I’m going through.
Rather than being angry at God, I have to let go of all of this because He’s the only One Who can possibly carry me through.
A lot of me doesn’t want to come clean, to surrender all, because I’m afraid that this will mean the end of what I have thought to be the Lord’s will for me for a few years. This is the most delicate, intimate, most precious thing to me, and yet…I don’t trust God with it?
Of course I can offer those things like getting a bad grade, a bad day, but those good things? My closest friendships? Most intimate relationships? Surely I can keep them to myself, right? No, surely not. They must be poured out as an offering before the God Who gave those good things to me in the first place.
The same God Who brought me in will most assuredly lead me out!
Those who walk by faith will never be disappointed. Obedience to God is always right. Jesus loves me. He will never fail me. These things I know, and with this I must leave everything.